A Blue Kobold?

Revision as of 22:03, 30 May 2023

Shields smugly persisting as blue. The smug little $#*&.

While it is known that most kobolds are some shade of orange, Shields persists in being a bright sky blue with no clear explanation as to the cause of this stark difference in hue. Although questioned directly, his answers vary each time. Below are some of the dialogs from such encounters with questioners.

Q: "Kobolds are orange."

• S: “Rude.”
• S: “You’re just upset that I’ve invalidated your null hypothesis, whereas you’ve just supported mine, which is that you’re dumb.”
• S: “Well, if kobolds are orange, then logically, I can’t be blue. That must mean that your eyes are simply fecked. You should probably get new ones, but I can take those ones off ya for free if ya’d like.”
  Q: “That line of reasoning doesn't make any sense at all.”
  S: “Oof, looks like your brain’s broken too. Guess I’ll take it off your hands as well!”
• S: “Oh no! I’m kobold-ing wrong! Ahhhhhhh!”
• S: “And if I told you that you can’t be rude, we’d both be wrong!”
• S: “I don’t see how that’s my problem.”
• S: “Oh my Gastropod! When did that law go into effect!?!”
• S: “I also can’t tap dance. But that’s actually true.”
• S: “Well, I obviously invented blue and I just wanted to show it off.”
• S: *Blankly stares*
  “Oh, I'm sorry. Your mouth was moving, but only nonsense was coming out.”
• S: “Wow, what are you going to tell me next? That pigs can’t fly? Get real.”
  Q: “But pigs can’t fly…?”
  S: “And that’s why we invented the trebuchet.”

Q: "Why are you blue?"

• S: “Why aren't you?”
  
• S: “Obviously because my mum was cyan and my dad was magenta.”
• S: “My current working theory is that it’s the blueberries I’ve been eating. You know how flamingos are white, but turn pink from the shrimp they eat? I wonder if most kobolds are orange because of their fairly carnivorous diet. Luckily, we can test this hypothesis right now! You’re not too sentimentally attached to your limbs, right?”
• S: “It’s probably that big glowing rock that fell from the sky near my village just before I hatched. If me and my clutch line up right, we make a rainbow! If we line up wrong, we induce seizures!”
• S: “I’m from space.”
• S: “I’m trying to learn how to photosynthesize.”
  Q: “Shouldn’t you be green then?”
  S: “I did say ‘trying’.”
• S: “It’s just a bruise.”
• S: “Camouflage!”
  O: “What are you camouflaging with?”
  S: *Just grins toothly*
  Q: “What are you camouflaging from?”
  S: *Grin disappears to be replaced with a sad look at the questioner*
  "Oh, you poor, poor soul."
• S: “‘Cause I’m cold-blooded, and it’s cold out.”
• S: “It’s actually just an optical illusion that only fools the weak-minded.”
• S: *In a confidential whisper*
  “Don’t tell anyone, but actually it’s just paint.”
• S: “Thank you. For noticing that I was sad and bothering to inquire about it. I’ll tell you all about it, from the beginning. Back when I was still a hatchling, I lost my favorite rock. It wasn’t particularly shiny or anything, but I really liked it. It was my favorite. It had, like, these little lumps, and bits of color, like grey and brown. Although that may have just been a bit of dirt. Now that I think about it, it was very dirty. That’s because I lost it before I could give it a good wash. I only had it for a couple of seconds before I set it down to do something… I can’t remember what I went to do though... I’ll come back to that later. Anyway, where was I? I’ll just start again. So when I was a hatchling….”
  *This continues for a good damn while if you let it, with different conflicting details each time. And as far as we can tell, none of it is even remotely true.
• S: “Because magnetism.”