Two Ill-Fated Kings

Dis be dee story of two ill-fated kings, or why modern monsters wear so many warbraids.

It has been asked before why we wear warbraids. What be dee significance of dem? Most creature think dey just be decorative, an’ dey not be wrong. At least, not in dee current Age... But, it be better to start at beginning of story.

Sometime during Age of Retreat, der be two large Grik kingdoms. One be ruled by old an’ stubborn elfie king, and dee other by angry, drunken human king. History not really know or care why dees neighbor kings hate each other so much, dey just do. And nearby, der be a small Goblyn tribe, led by a Khadine. Dis be Age of Retreat, so Goblyns reeling over end of dee Great War, and many tribes be shattered and weak. Dis nameless Khadine survive dee War, but only because he fled it before Reth’s final stand. His tribe know der Khadine’s cowardice, but ignore it, as no one else want to lead. Khadine wish to conquer dis valley an dee pinkie kingdoms dat rule it, but he be too lazy an’ too afraid to try it himself. So, wen dee tribe hear of a powerful Witchdoktor livin’ nearby, he go to see her.

Nameless one enter dee camp an’ see dee seated female, dressed what look like purple skins an’ dark furs. He be impressed an’ nervous, cuz if dat be Bugbear fur on her shoulders, dis creature must truly be powerful. Khadine also notice she be slowly pulling apart what look like large clump of thread, but it be so fine, be hard to tell. Witchdoktor’s ears perk up and she hiss a warning into dee darkness. Dee Khadine quickly throw himself before dee fire and say he have request. Dee female put aside her project, pick up dee staff at her side, and bark at him, “Stand back up, she be no King on a throne”. Nameless one nod and obey. He request help to defeat dee two pinkie kingdoms using her majikz. Witchdoktor furrow her brow in mild confusion, ask why he not do dis himself? Sneak in under cover of dark, slaughter dee kings and pillage land? It be simple enough. Khadine shake head, say tribe be too small to pull dat off. Small one mindlessly tap her fingers up and down dee carved staff she hold, thinking ‘bout dis request. After moment, she agreed to aid, but state it require ‘personal touch’ and pluck a strand of hair from Khadine’s head. He be annoyed, but not protest, and instead ask to know what she do. “Curse dem, of course. Watch for three signs. After dee kings be dead, take dee valley,” female laugh. Khadine nod, and ask wat be her price. Dee witchdoktor flash him a wide grin, an’ wave off question, “Never mind dat. Price be taken later, once task be complete.” Khadine be pleased, his head already be full of slaughter and shiny riches. It not matter what her price be, soon he have everything! Witchdoktor cackle to herself as dee foolish greenskin leave her sight, an’ she begin to prepare her majikz.

So dee tribe watch from dee hills around dee valley over dee next few days, an’ strange t’ings begin to happen. First, it be raining, a lot. Dis might not be dat strange, but it not stop. Rain fall for many days, an dee river dat cut through pinkie kingdom begin to swell. Villages dat live on river must flee or be swept away in strong current. Many homeless pinkies end up on elfie land, an’ elfie King upset. He already grumpy because of so much rain, but now dee human filth dare tread on his soil as well? Elfie King order his people not to aid any human refugees, but instead turn dem in and he send dem back, even if dat mean throwing dem in dee rising water.

Also during dis time, unknown to anyone else, dee human prince and elfie princess fall in love. Maybe dey already been in love but never bold enough to admit it, or maybe it be dee majikz. Who knows? Anyway, while dey both havin’ to deal with dis flood problem. dee Kings be furious when der offspring ask to be ‘married’ to each other. Of course dey say no, Kings hate each other. Silly pinkie rituals. But, dee prince and princess be very stubborn, so one night, dey run away together and abandon der fathers forever. Dat same night, dee rain stop. Elfie king wake an’ be very pleased to find first sunshine in many days. But he not be so happy when he find his daughter be gone. Foolish young Griks not leave a note, so elfie king first thought be dat human prince kidnapped his beautiful daughter, an’ rage fill his old bones. Dee elfie king declare war on his neighbor, and begin moving soldiers to attack. Dee human king, still hungover, declare war back, even though he not know why, but fuck elves, who need excuse to kill dem anyway? So dee kingdoms go to war. You think dee Goblyns in dee hills take dis advantage demselves maybe. But not yet, Khadine still waiting for more to happen.

Two Grik kingdoms be at war, burnin’ fields and homes and murdering each other as pinkies tend to do. It be great sight. War press on, and it really not be getting anywhere. Pinkie king finally figure out why elfie king attack him, but he t’ink dee opposite. Elfie king must’ve stolen his son an’ now be holding him prisoner, since he not be ‘good enough’ for stupid elfie princess. Dee kings not actually talk about dis, cuz dey hate each other, so war keep going. Human king already drink a lot of strong things, an’ wit dis ongoing war, it be worse. Every night he angrily stumble around his camp, shouting at dee other side, before collapsing an’ being put to bed by servants. One night, human King be stumbling around drunk like usual, but he not be angry. He just be sad an’ lonely, missing dee prince and his comfy castle. So instead of yelling an’ quickly being silenced, dee king quietly meander. He keep going, and wander further out of his camp, across dee empty no-man’s-land, an’ into dee elfie camp. Time be late, and everybody be asleep, even guards. Human king dazed and tired, an’ trying to find his royal tent. He find large, fancy tent dat look kinda familiar, an’ it have bed so he collapse into dat. Human king only sorta notice der be someone else in his bed, an’ he feel very smooth skin, so must be fair maiden to keep him company. King smile in sleep, cuz his servants be so thoughtful. King snuggle up to fair-skinned creature and fall into hard sleep.

Human king wake in hungover daze, eyes be heavy an’ head be hurting. He try to get comfy an’ fall back asleep next to dee wench his bed, but his hand brush somet’ing dat definitely not be wench-like. Human king recoil an’ shoot up in bed, turning his eyes toward his bed-mate for dee first time. Dee skin be fair alright, but human king reach for his dagger as he see dee pointed ears of dee rival King. Enraged by dis, human king stab dee elfie king in dee gut while he stir, an’ blood trickle all over dee nice sheets. Elfie king let out a howl of pain an’ try to move away, but human king keep stabbing, an’ as he pull blade up for another thrust, elfie guards yell and open flap of tent. Human king fill with dread as he suddenly realize where he be, just before several arrows piece his heart and skull. Both kings fall dead in same bed, covered with blood and gore, an’ just like dat, dee pinkie kingdoms crumbled.

As soon as word reached dee Goblyn tribe, dey snuck into dee camps and killed all dee pinkies, who be too busy mourning der Kings to notice. Dee tribe slaughtered and burned and pillaged as we do, an’ Khadine be very pleased. He take dee nicer castle for hisself, an’ piled all dee treasures around him in dee big throne room. Shortly after dis, dee Witchdoktor come to claim her price. Nameless one greet her warmly, offering gifts of gold an’ weapons. She shake dem off, an’ approach his ‘throne’. He ask again to name her price. She smile, an’ say, “All she ask for, be what be earned by her hands an’ by her power.” Dee khadine stare at her, an’ den look around at his amassed fortune. “But, by her power, dat be everyt’ing!” Khadine fully believe dee Witchdoktor did something to influence all dee events dat happen to dee poor pinkie Kings. How much of dat be true, it be hard to say, but he believe it, an’ his cowardice start to show. “No! Why she ask dis?!” Dee female snarl, “because he be weak! Too afraid, too lazy to kill dee Kings hisself,” she spat, and pulled out the thread of hair plucked from his head when dey first met. “If she want, she curse dis so-called ‘Khadine’ in same way. Maybe tie fate wit mighty bugbear chieftain, or another Khadine who be worthy of dat title, hmm? Den maybe we see what happen.” Dee nameless one sweat and tremble at dis, for he know his own weakness. In dee end, he leave dee valley, leave dee tribe he foolishly led into dis mess, and wander off alone. Dee witchdoktor burn dee villages and castles to dee ground, destroying much of dee wealth dat be left. She let dee other Goblyns live in dee valley, but never lead dem, only advise. Dee nameless one be lost, unworthy to be Goblyn, but perhaps dees others could be shown wat ruthless and clever creatures Goblyns be meant to be.

As for dee nameless one? He wander rest of his life, trying to find another tribe to accept him. Every tribe ask for his tale, an’ every tribe laugh in his face, either because he believed dee Witchdoktor’s threat, or because he be too cowardly to kill dee Kings hisself. But wit him, dee story of a powerful Witchdoktor an’ dee interwoven threads of fate grew, taking a life of its own. Soon, many Goblyns be shaving der heads and hiding dee hair in woven pieces of cloth, so dat no majikz be able to control der fate. After time, dis story fell to myth, but by den braids be common decoration among goblyns, some making whole skirts or outfits from dem. Dee purpose be lost, but dee effect remains. Whether dis fate-majik existed at all be a mystery lost to time.

-As told by Witchdoktor Galya