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Hi. This Thaark. I win!

I tell you more later. Like, not now. Go away!

Ha! I win again! You suck at this game!



Okay, so I'm Uruk-Hai. From Rath. That's like, a long way from other places where the Uruk-Hai are, but I've got long history. Sort of. But I tell you that more later than now later.

My vital Uruk-Hai stats are:

That's all you get now. Come back more later, so I can win again!

More Later

So my history is not really so long. But it sounds better that way. Now sit back and let Thaark tell you a tale of win...

The Tale of Win

Many years ago, there lived a viking woman named Kolfinna Hallgrimsdottir. She lived in a small town on the edge of a fjord, but which was also close to a lovely old forest. One day, all the villagers got roaring drunk on mead, and decided to have a good old-fashioned troll hunt to pass the time. So they got their weapons out and marched into the forest to kill some trolls. Kolfinna, not one to be shy about trolls, chased a troll for several miles through the forest, tracking it back to its cave. Drunk as she was, she decided to really make sport of the situation, and she raped the troll before giving him a good thrashing, and then passing out in a drunken stupor.

Several hours later, Kolfinna awoke to find no trace of the troll. She was not sure if she had eaten him, or if he had simply run away, but she didn't really care either way except that she didn't have a troll trophy to bring home and mount above her mantel. Disappointed, she made her way home, and consoled herself with more mead.

A few months later, she discovered that she had in fact left the troll's cave with a trophy after all, when she gave birth to a half-troll. Kolfinna didn't think that anyone would ever mistake him for human, so she gave a troll name to go with his troll appearance, and thus she named him Thaark.

That's me.

For a time, Kolfinna was able to keep little Thaark in her house with the villagers unaware of his presence. But as he grew older, Kolfinna knew she wouldn't be able to hide him much longer. So one day, she took him out into the forest and made him a new home in a lovely cave she found, a cave which seemed just right for a troll. Every day, Kolfinna would come out to the cave and teach young Thaark about the ways of his viking heritage.

One night, when Kolfinna was home in the village fast asleep, Thaark awoke in his cave to find another person there. It wasn't his mother, and it wasn't him, so it had to be a stranger. And sure enough, when Thaark got up to investigate, the person turned out to be a stranger, and a troll at that! Thaark immediately jumped on the troll and began to wrestle it, because his mother had told him that all vikings love to wrestle trolls, and he wanted his mother to be proud of him. Although Thaark was still pretty small, he surprised the troll, for this troll was extremely jumpy and somewhat prone to nervousness. The two wrestled for sometime, but eventually the troll's larger size and greater strength gave him the advantage, and it pinned Thaark and tied him up.

Which was how Kolfinna found the two the next morning, her young son tied up and being kept watch over by a nervous troll.

This troll turned out to be Grotuk Kathurgsen, and was in fact the very same troll that Kolfinna Hallgrimsdottir had raped those many years ago.

Kolfinna realized that if she could convince Grotuk to take his son, he would be able to teach Thaark about his trollish heritage, including all manner of trollish things that she did not really understand. So Kolfinna leaped upon Grotuk, wrestled him into submission, and tied him up next to Thaark. After a few minutes of heavy persuading, she convinced the troll to teach Thaark the trollish ways. Kolfinna then gave her son a final hug and kiss goodbye, and bade him find his way in the world, wherever he might find his peace as a half-viking, half-troll. She then left, and went back to her village, leaving both Thaark and his troll father tied up.

Several hours later, both Thaark and Grotuk managed to chew their way out of their bindings. From that moment on, father began to teach son about the troll way of life. He taught Thaark about troll games, the oppression of the vikings, humans, and other assorted pinkies, and about the importance of family in preserving trollish heritage. He taught Thaark his ancestry, which was thus:

  • Thaark, son of Grotuk
  • Grotuk, son of Kathurg
  • Kathurg, son of Lerdigthr
  • Lerdigthr, son of Galakr
  • Galakr, son of Thrugs, also known as Galakr Fat-Gut

The years passed swiftly for Thaark, as he roamed the north learning all he could of both trolls and vikings. Eventually, he left Grotuk to seek his fortune in the world. Traveling widely, Thaark came to a land unknown to him. Skulking about, he learned that this land was called Rath, and that it was in the Highlands of Chaos. Here, there were not very many trolls at all, and neither were there very many vikings. But there did seem to be a lot of other monsters, and this was good.

But then Thaark discovered something truly horrible indeed. There was a band of pinkies ravaging Rath and the Highlands of Chaos, scouring the mountains, plains, and forests of all monsters. These pinkies called themselves the Chaos Guard, and were much feared by all Rathian monsters for their pitiless, merciless slaughtering ways.

Not content to watch the murder of innocent monsters, Thaark vowed to fight the pinkies wherever he encountered them. Taking up his sword and shield, Thaark strode onto the battlefield, and stood fast against the pinky tide for over a year, watching as his fellow monsters were slowly ground away all around him, until he was left alone against the seeming unstoppable onslaught of the Chaos Guard. Thaark continued to fight, his strength ebbing, until at the close of summer he fell at last.

All was not lost, however. The pinkies, in their bloodthirsty zeal, failed to notice that Thaark, though fallen, was not defeated, and Thaark managed to crawl away into the wilds surrounding Rath. There, nursing himself back to health, Thaark heard that in a far away land, a giant of a monster was rallying others to his cause, and that under a great banner of evil, the monsters would unite to repel the pinkies and crush them back into their proper subservience. Slowly, Thaark made his way to the giant leader to join him. In a distant land, then, Thaark saw the Warlord Forkbeard, an imposing and dreadful figure who nevertheless inspired hope in a trollish heart, hope that monsters could rise up and retake the Highlands of Chaos. However, before Thaark could offer allegiance, he was seized upon by the warlord's scouts, and dragged away.

Somewhere, in a dark and hellish pit, mysterious sorceries and blasphemous incantations warped a young half-troll almost beyond recognition, twisting body and mind into a better, stronger, faster, smarter weapon.

Many months passed, and Rath saw no sign of Thaark, and most there felt that he had gone for good. But lo! when the winter had thawed, a great battle engaged and Thaark emerged at last into the daylight. With the brutal blessings of the shaman Soo Ma Tai, the warlord Forkbeard, and the assembled legion of monsters, Thaark took his place among the ranks of the Uruk-Hai.

Sojourning back to Rath once more, an invigorated Thaark once again took his solitary stand against the Chaos Guard, and this time, he did not fall. As Thaark managed to hold off the pinky hordes, slowly did other monsters appear, to stand and fight beside him. As the months passed, another convert soon joined the Uruk-Hai presence in Rath, and together, Ryu and Thaark created the Bloodfang Tribe, and were soon joined by Jeggrim.

Today, the battles in Rath are being fought harder than ever as more monsters appear to defend the wildlands against the invading Chaos Guard. As word spreads that Rath is becoming safe once again for monsters, it is only a matter of time before the pinkies are routed, crushed, and destroyed...

The Moral of the Story

And I win! That's why it's the tale of win, because I win.

Recent Happenings

A new menace has arisen in the outlands of Rath, a piratical force calling themselves the Reavers. Although they appear to be pinkies, they attack everyone regardless of color. Though they have not been causing trouble for long, already they have shown strength and skill and a willingness to kill anything that comes within blade-reach. They have shown themselves to be no friends of the Chaos Guard, so an alliance might be considered. Whether the effort will bear fruit will only be seen in time...

A Side Note

This last weekend, I got to be present at (and participate in!) the knighting of Sir Par Ohmsford. For him it was a grueling half-hour of non-stop fighting. For me, it was only about 30 seconds of fighting, but it was rather fun to watch.

It's true he can be a bit cocky or arrogant at times, and he can also be demanding and controlling when he wants to be, but he's also put more time and effort into this sport than I care to think about. Humility will come with time, but the sheer zeal for the game, playing, supporting, and promoting, is something very few will ever possess. I think he deserved this knighthood, and I'm proud to have been there to see him earn it, from the time he announced his acceptance as a squire all the way through to his trial.

Congratulations, Sir Par. Well done.

Still more later

So I gots to fight again, this time at a big battle of pinkies and monsters. It was by a river, but I didn't get thrown in, which is good because I don't need a bath. Baths stink worse than gnomes.

I tried to win, but sometimes it didn't work out. Like getting shot in the head by arrows twice in the same battle. I did not win then.

I also saw the creation of the Uruk-Hai sammich. Ryu took a bunch of pinkie meat, stole a potato from another pinkie-thing, stuffed the meats in, and ate it sammich-style. It looked pretty good, but the pinkie was all out of potatoes so I couldn't steal one for me. I was sad, but ate some plain meat without a potato, and then I felt better. Meat is happy food.

And I had mead! Good viking mead, just like ma used to give me as a baby! Ah, the good ol' days...

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