Female Hat Trolls

Latest revision as of 23:14, 17 March 2018

Everyone noh dat Hat Trolls not reproduce like normal races. Dey be some kinda fungus thing dat jus' split and regrow itself. So yooz may ask: why der be female Hat Trolls? We tell yooz.

One day, Damun was looking down on the hat trolls. Watching dem trying to catch their hooman prey, and eating dem without even cooking them. The trolls would just eat a whole town, an' den be complaining about how dey had no food. Damun sighed, an' realized dat the trolls needed someone smrt (by troll standards) to teach dem an' ensure their survival. Looking out again on the trolls, Damun found dee ten tallest trolls, and grabbed up ten good sized rocks. He threw each of these as hard as he could, an' from the earth, the trolls saw ten bright, fiery rocks hurtling towards them. The rocks hit the ten tallest trolls, and *POOF* der laid ten small brains, hearts, an' a random collection of bones. Damun yelled at a few trolls to bring him dee piles of troll. Damun den grabbed dee ten brains, an' smooshed them together into one big brain, so dis troll would be as smart as ten trolls. He then grabbed dee ten hearts, an' smooshed them into one big heart, so dis troll would have as much emotion as ten trolls. Damun then grabbed all of the bones, so this troll would be as tall as ten...."Where be all da bones?!" yelled Damun. The trolls shrugged, "we be hungry an' ate some".

Damun sighed at the trolls and looked at the small pile of bones, then at dee trolls. Now how to get the trolls to listen to dee wisdom of this one? Maybe if this one was pretty (by troll standards). "Bring me some flowers." "Flowers?! What dat be?" Damun sighed again. "Some are white, you find them on the ground." "Oh, ok!." And off they went. The trolls came back several hours later with handfuls of white powder. "Here you go." Damun just stared at them. "Ok, yes, that is flour, hoomans use that for food. What I need is a FLOWER. It has petals, it grows on the ground, it looks an' smells pretty." The trolls grinned and nodded. "Oh, Flower! Yeah, we know what dat be." And they wandered off again. Just when it started to get dark, dee trolls came back leading a horse. "A HORSE?! I asked for a FLOWER!" "A flour? We just found this horse an' wanted ta show you." Damun put his head in his hands. Was there any hope? Looking back at the trolls, he said, "Look, I need a FLOWER. They grow in dee ground, dey can be different colors, they have petals an' leaves." "Oh, why didn't you say so?" The trolls strolled off, with Damun staring dejectedly after them. Night came and went. Day broke, then night fell. Day broke again. Damun kept watching and waiting. Three days he waited, when one of the trolls wandered into view carrying a pumpkin. "That...that is a pumpkin. I asked for a flower." Damun stated flatly, unsurprised. The troll looked at Damun, confused. "But, it grew on the ground, it is a pretty orange, it even has leaves!" Da troll looked down at the pumpkin sadly. Damun took a deep breath. "You're right, it does. Thank you, you can go now." As he took dee pumpkin, the troll strolled off with a grin.

Damun shook his head an' looked at the heart, brain, small pile of bones, an' pumpkin. "Ok, leg bone is connected to the thigh bone, thigh bone is connected to the...arm bone?" Damun built a small, short skeleton from the bones, took the heart, brain, and pumpkin, an' smooshed dem together. There standing in front of him be a short, prettier troll, with longer hair. Damun pointed to dee trolls, who were trying to hold a hooman down to eat him. The female troll looked at Damun. "This is what I have to work with?!" Damun pointed again. She sighed, walked over to the trolls, an' built a fire. "You need to COOK hoomans before you eat dem. Who knows what diseases dey have?" One of the trolls grabbed the hooman an' walked to the fire. "Me get it!" He shoved his hand that was holding the hooman into the fire. "Ow!" He yelled, pulling it out. He looked at the hooman, and back at the fire. He shoved his hand in again, then yelled as he pulled it back out. The female troll shook her head, grabbed a stick, and stuck it through the hooman. She then held the hooman in the fire until well done, an' handed it back to the troll. The trolls stared in amazement, then grabbed other sticks and hoomans. One grabbed the female troll by mistake, being smaller and prettier. "Don't even think about it! Hoomans be over der." He set her down, but the mistake is still occasionally made, with dire consequences for the male troll.

An' dis be why female Hat Troll exist. All credit be to Gretchen, dee first female ever found.