Hat Troll

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Hat Trolls are noctournal creatures, they worship the founder of their race and ideals, Damun. Due to Hat Trolls amazingly short memory they are more likely to forget who Damun is. Part of the Hat Troll ideaology is that whomsoever is the 'biggest' is right. 'Big' in this case refers to not actual size, but height. The Troll who is the tallest wins, without exception. In some cases, several like-minded Trolls will stack themselves ontop of each other, putting the hat of the bottom Troll on the head of the top Troll. Then, the Trolls with which they're arguing are unable to distinguish between the actual Troll and the stack of creatures beginning and ending with said Troll.

Hat Trolls group together into Clans or Tribes which vary in thir members, sometimes being exclusive to Trolls, or containing many other Monsters. These Tribes contain a Maytan, a sort of Tribal Shaman who helps to speak for the Tribe and keeps all of the Lore for those who would like to know it.

Hat Trolls are typically tall, lean, lanky and very quick fighters which prefer nimble flanking to less subtle Line Fighting. Several Hat Trolls can push an entire line into another, thus decimating the line. They are an effective and necessary part of the Horde, and are a quickly-growing minority.

Much of Hat Troll lore is spread orally and not written in any form. If you want to know more, ask a Hat Troll!

Contents

Recovered Text

The troll in question was a large example of his kind, with scars that told of many years of violence. His blackened armor was emblazoned with a faded red cross over top a chevron. After many days of quiet coexistence and small-talk I ventured to ask him questions of his race. What follows is his remarkable response:

Ok let's start with the basics and expand from there. Hat Troll garb is comprised of two main components: the hat and the trench coat. Both of these come in a variety of styles but they are absolutely necessary. They are what distinguish a hat troll from any other monster. It is important for any race to be visibly distinguishable. One look and you can tell what they are. Trolls are traditionally tall and a bit slender. Usually a minimum of 5'10” for males. Female Hat Trolls are traditionally built differently than male hat trolls, but we get to that later.

Hat trolls wear a hat because of the Sun. The Sun is evil and dangerous. This is true for any one obviously but more so for trolls. This is due to the fact that Hat Trolls hearts are in their heads, along with their brains. Your heart is your most vulnerable organ obviously. If the Sun hits your heart through your eyes you will be terribly weakened. So Hat Trolls wear hats so as to keep the sun from getting into their eyes. Thus protecting their heart and brain.

Now having your heart and brain share the same space does have its downsides of course. This leads other races to believe trolls are slow or stupid. This is a lie, Trolls aren't less smart then anyone else but due to the cramped space it can take them awhile to compose their thoughts. Hat Trolls are also notoriously forgetful and can rarely remember what they ate for breakfast let alone what they did last week.

At this point I admit to being astonished at the creature's intelligence and fluency, but dared not interrupt.

Now height is very important to Hat Trolls. Who ever is the tallest is always correct. If there is a disagreement then which ever Hat Troll is the tallest is ruled to be in the right. Now sometimes two or more trolls will get into a heated argument and does not wish to be proven wrong. This leads to the social phenomenon that is Troll-stacking. When the Hat Trolls have an argument and wish to prove they are correct they will gather other trolls that are of the same mind as them and stack up on top of each other forming a pile or a series of Hat Trolls sitting on each others shoulders. As long as the One on top is wearing a Hat the other Troll will become confused and think he is arguing with one very tall Hat Troll therefore he must be in the wrong. This can result in two separate stacks of Trolls. Whichever stack is tallest is ruled the victor and has won the argument. This rule does not apply to other races however. If some one, not a Hat Troll, disagrees with what a Hat Troll is saying they are not automaticly correct if they are taller. This was proven by a great Hat Troll mathematician in the widely popular theorem written as follows: Damun > Trolls > Everyone Else. If there is ever a disagreement amongst Trolls and other races simply refer to the formula above and you should be able to resolve any and all problems that arise.

As far as the creation of life and the universe and earth are concerned, Trolls were here first. Now that doesn't mean they created it, oh no not at all. It simply means trolls have existed and will always exist. When the world was first created the trolls thought: 'hey that looks like a nice place, good job (insert any deity here), I think we'll live there'. Trolls are immortal and have no beginning and no end. We have always been. If some one ever tells you about some story involving their God we will simply agree with them and add that we were there for that and thought it was kinda neat. Trolls do not have a pantheon of Gods nor any singular god. Neither do we disagree that other peoples gods exist. Some of us were there in fact when their god did that thing and overall it was a fun thing to watch. This is especially true when two separate races disagree on which god did what. We agree with both of them even though it is contradictory.

The closest thing that Hat Trolls have to a god is the Moon or as Hat Trolls call it Damun, this is referring to the same object but in two different ways. This is due to several reasons. First of all is that the giant rock in the sky at night lights up the night so that we can see but it doesn't give us burns or make it hot. It's great while the Sun overall sucks. In fact the Sun is afraid of the Moon, or Damun, as the Sun is never out at night cause it runs away, but the moon comes out during the day just to show the Sun who's boss.

Now on top of this there is the original strongest Hat Troll ever known as Damun. He eventually decided to go all the way up into the sky and stay on the giant rock up there. This is why we say “Hey look it's Damun.” As he sits up on the giant rock up there. Now it is very important to remember Damun is great and all Hat Trolls think he's a great guy overall. He is not however a God. Trolls have no Gods never have and never will.

Some Hat Trolls will eventually get tired and take a nap or zone out for awhile. Now due to their ultimately unlimited life span and some times slow thinking this “a while” can be a few minutes to several dozen Decades. Trolls have an innate ability that is not widely understood to be not seen. This is not invisibility. It is that, for whatever reason, people will simply not observe a Troll that has stopped moving for extended periods of time. So sometimes there will be a slight curve in a road for no apparent reason. This is due to a Hat Troll standing there. When the people built the road they unconsciously built it around the Hat Troll. Other times people will build a house and unwittingly build it around a Hat Troll. Several years later the Hat Troll will awaken or come too and start moving again resulting in the Hat Troll tearing it's way through a house of surprised people.

I've never heard of Hat Trolls speaking for so long at once. I can only conclude that as Hat Trolls sometimes forget what they are doing a stand motionless for years at a time, this Hat Troll forgot what it was doing and simply continued speaking.

This phenomenon has not gone unnoticed by some of the other craft races. Goblyns in particular are known for their “cities” which are more constantly shifting piles of trash crudly and haphazardly stacked together. If they are able to locate a Hat Troll they may ask him to hold up part of a roof for them, that they invariably stole from a neighbor. The Hat Troll having nothing better to do may do just that then zone out. Now one of two things will happen. The Goblin city being in a state of constant chaos will eventually move on and the Hat Troll no longer being needed will go on his way, or the Hat Troll may decide he is done holding up this roof and will leave. Causing the collapse of the house and those nearby/built on top of it.

Hat Trolls being undying do not have a proper understanding of theft, murder, or other such crimes. If a Hat Troll wants something from another Hat Troll he will simply attack him until that Hat Troll can not fight back and then take what he wanted. The other Hat Troll will eventually regenerate and if he remembers go out and try to take back what he wants. If he cares enough that is. This same logic is used with other races. If a Hat Troll wants something from some one else of a different race they will simply kill them and take it. Though it is not clear if the Hat Trolls fully understand that other people can die, and if they do understand they clearly do not care.

By this point the Troll was no longer focused on me, as I was very far down beneath the level of his gaze, but rather had been addressing the tree above me at eye-level for some time. As the conversation had turned to killing other races, I took this opportunity to le--- (The text ends in a bloody smear. The fate of the author can be easily surmised and suffice it to say that Hat Trolls are savage and dangerous creatures, best left alone).


Female Hat Troll Lore

Everyone noh dat Hat Trolls not reproduce like normal races. Dey be some kinda fungus thing dat jus' split and regrow itself. So yooz may ask: why der be female Hat Trolls? We tell yooz.

One day, Damun was looking down on the hat trolls. Watching dem trying to catch their hooman prey, and eating dem without even cooking them. The trolls would just eat a whole town, an' den be complaining about how dey had no food. Damun sighed, an' realized dat the trolls needed someone smrt (by troll standards) to teach dem an' ensure their survival. Looking out again on the trolls, Damun found dee ten tallest trolls, and grabbed up ten good sized rocks. He threw each of these as hard as he could, an' from the earth, the trolls saw ten bright, fiery rocks hurtling towards them. The rocks hit the ten tallest trolls, and *POOF* der laid ten small brains, hearts, an' a random collection of bones. Damun yelled at a few trolls to bring him dee piles of troll. Damun den grabbed dee ten brains, an' smooshed them together into one big brain, so dis troll would be as smart as ten trolls. He then grabbed dee ten hearts, an' smooshed them into one big heart, so dis troll would have as much emotion as ten trolls. Damun then grabbed all of the bones, so this troll would be as tall as ten...."Where be all da bones?!" yelled Damun. The trolls shrugged, "we be hungry an' ate some".

Damun sighed at the trolls and looked at the small pile of bones, then at dee trolls. Now how to get the trolls to listen to dee wisdom of this one? Maybe if this one was pretty (by troll standards). "Bring me some flowers." "Flowers?! What dat be?" Damun sighed again. "Some are white, you find them on the ground." "Oh, ok!." And off they went. The trolls came back several hours later with handfuls of white powder. "Here you go." Damun just stared at them. "Ok, yes, that is flour, hoomans use that for food. What I need is a FLOWER. It has petals, it grows on the ground, it looks an' smells pretty." The trolls grinned and nodded. "Oh, Flower! Yeah, we know what dat be." And they wandered off again. Just when it started to get dark, dee trolls came back leading a horse. "A HORSE?! I asked for a FLOWER!" "A flour? We just found this horse an' wanted ta show you." Damun put his head in his hands. Was there any hope? Looking back at the trolls, he said, "Look, I need a FLOWER. They grow in dee ground, dey can be different colors, they have petals an' leaves." "Oh, why didn't you say so?" The trolls strolled off, with Damun staring dejectedly after them. Night came and went. Day broke, then night fell. Day broke again. Damun kept watching and waiting. Three days he waited, when one of the trolls wandered into view carrying a pumpkin. "That...that is a pumpkin. I asked for a flower." Damun stated flatly, unsurprised. The troll looked at Damun, confused. "But, it grew on the ground, it is a pretty orange, it even has leaves!" Da troll looked down at the pumpkin sadly. Damun took a deep breath. "You're right, it does. Thank you, you can go now." As he took dee pumpkin, the troll strolled off with a grin.

Damun shook his head an' looked at the heart, brain, small pile of bones, an' pumpkin. "Ok, leg bone is connected to the thigh bone, thigh bone is connected to the...arm bone?" Damun built a small, short skeleton from the bones, took the heart, brain, and pumpkin, an' smooshed dem together. There standing in front of him be a short, prettier troll, with longer hair. Damun pointed to dee trolls, who were trying to hold a hooman down to eat him. The female troll looked at Damun. "This is what I have to work with?!" Damun pointed again. She sighed, walked over to the trolls, an' built a fire. "You need to COOK hoomans before you eat dem. Who knows what diseases dey have?" One of the trolls grabbed the hooman an' walked to the fire. "Me get it!" He shoved his hand that was holding the hooman into the fire. "Ow!" He yelled, pulling it out. He looked at the hooman, and back at the fire. He shoved his hand in again, then yelled as he pulled it back out. The female troll shook her head, grabbed a stick, and stuck it through the hooman. She then held the hooman in the fire until well done, an' handed it back to the troll. The trolls stared in amazement, then grabbed other sticks and hoomans. One grabbed the female troll by mistake, being smaller and prettier. "Don't even think about it! Hoomans be over der." He set her down, but the mistake is still occasionally made, with dire consequences for the male troll.

An' dis be why female Hat Troll exist. All credit be to Gretchen, dee first female ever found.


KNOWN HAT TROLLS

Jesus
Juicer
Mango
Gretchen
Undarr
Atman
Danzig
Sqeege
Zurokk
Sare
Ox
Chimney
Vengar
Rute
Troll
Bodmin
Vexable
Vayn Sa!
Cian
Oros

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