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Lumberjack Riding Shark.PNG


A Lumberjack Is A Man Who Jacks Lumber.

Chopping down trees is all they think about. If there were no trees to chop down, lumberjacks would cease to exist. And yet, lumberjacks have so much contempt for trees that they are willing to sacrifice their very existence to help win the war against nature. Trees are everywhere. It's getting to the point where you can't even go to a park anymore without seeing a tree. If lumberjacks didn't cut down trees, the trees would overwhelm us and take over the world. Then where would we raise our families and park our cars--in the forest? Wishful thinking, and it might even work if it weren't for one small detail: bears.

There is no nobler calling than that of a lumberjack. Deep down inside every guy, no matter how much of a pasty-thighed, white-collared desk slave he is, there's a lumberjack waiting to bust out. Not only is being a lumberjack the manliest profession in the world but it's also the only profession to set the definitive style of clothing for men to wear for generations since the first burly lumberjack walked the earth.

Lumberjack Evolution

Figure 1: The Evolution of Lumberjacks

Lumberjacks evolved from pirates, and cavemen before that (Figure 1).

Lumberjack Clothing


Lumberjacks wear a distinctive uniform that is both sharp and functional. Unlike the flowery patterns found on wallpaper and women's clothing, lumberjacks have opted for a block-shaped pattern on their clothing called "plaid." The pattern consists of perpendicular bands of color (usually alternating strips of red and black) and clashes with every other style of clothing and color known to man. Though plaid has it's critics, even the most ardent opponents are hard pressed to deny that a plaid shirt has an underspoken classiness to it.
Plaid is unapologetically manly because it stands diametrically opposed to all shapes and patterns found in nature. Things in nature tend to be organic and unorganized. Plaid stands in sharp contrast, being rigid and calculated. It's a subtle nod toward man's ability to rationalize and think.

You Don't Know Jack

While there's a fair amound that we know about lumberjacks, there are almost as many things that we don't know about them. For example, why are lumberjacks so hairy? Is there anything a lumberjack won't eat? How many ice skaters would a lumberjack have to karate chop before he got bored? Many of these questions will perhaps always remain unanswered, but there are a few things we do know.


Figure 2

The primary mode of transportation for a lumberjack is by bull. While ordinary bulls eat grass and antibiotics, a lumberjack's bull feeds on endangered species.(See Figure 2)
The reason their bulls are fed endangered species is because lumberjacks are proponents of ecological diversity. There are only two major groups in the animal kingdom: endangered species and nonendangered species. If endangered species were allowed to procreate and reestablish their populations as they please, they would no longer be endangered, and the only kind of animal we'd have left is the plain old nonendangered kind. So we would lose an entire category of animals, leaving us only one, and having only one category isn't diverse by any measure of the imagination.

Where Do Lumberjacks Come From?

Even though lumberjacks evolved from pirates, the ruggedness they exhibit isn't as much inherited as it is imbued. Lumberjacks are raised by Cyclopses and learn all they need to know by the age of two.

Lumberjack Child.PNG
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