Captain Thi Kwineear

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Lore as documented by Lorain


Pronounced (thick weiner)

Dovakihn sky troll king pirate warrior, chief of Pengualia, Captain of the Admiralty board, and partridge in a pear tree.

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As you’ve all no doubt been told in your childhood bedtime stories, the gallivants of the pirate king, his origins and his legends which stood the test of time. Here is the streamlined tale of events. Thousands of hours ago, the seventeen and a half seas were sailed by the most feared pirate ever to sail fearfully, his name…..Captain Cam- I mean Steven Thi Kwineear. Born of low standing in the hillside village of Wellendowsville, (which looks exactly like the shire from LOTR , but completely different in every way) he dreamed a life of Naval-tude upon a chance meeting with a sea troll named “Not Chris”. The troll offered Steve a puff of his sea weed, where he revealed that Steve was destined to a life of adventure, action, romance, betrayal, lust, revenge, romantic comedy and that one day, he would fly as those who came before. Six minutes later, Steve, along with a crew of three blind orphans and a midget named Nibs who used telepathy, boarded what they believed to be a merchant schooner and took the helm, intending to set sail. Before the anchor had been raised, the city guard stormed the ship, as this was no mere merchant vessel, but the home base of the local Faun mafia, and their ruthless half deer leader, John Doe. Caught in the cross hairs of the trained police of Wellendowsville and the local half deer gang, Steve ordered Nibs to force the children overboard to distract the guards, while he cast off the reigns, taking them off to sea. Out of the harbor, Steve rejoiced in his first escape, but soon found himself in another pickle, as John Doe stood before him, armed to the teeth with cocoa butter and a bootlegged copy of Polar Express. The mafia leader then threw the cocoa butter at his feet, and challenged Steve to a duel, because by helping the gang escape he had made Doe appear foolish and cowardly before his crew, and he sought to regain his honor. “Your scare me naught Faun! “ Steve bellowed, “For no duel can be fought away from home without the accompanying of a pan flute!” Steve crossed his arms in self-assured assuredness, as he only spoke in exclamations. But John Doe had one last trick up his sleeve, and smirked at the youth. “Oh Nibs……” for nibs was no magic midget, but a psychic Gnome! Nibs removed his fake nose, underneath it a fuzzy scrotum. “I’m sorry Steve, but I needed to rejoin the boss, and your mind was too powerful and sexually desirable to sway, so I played upon your stupid dreams, and now your end is Nigh!” Steve let out a single manly tear, and braced for the fight of his life, as John Doe began to lather his extremities with the cocoa butter. In a duel initiated by any half man, life is not taken with foam swords, but with prose. Nibs Layed down a sick beat on his panflute as Doe rose to the ships helm, and spit on the mike the most elegant rap ever contrived by a mortal. Nig rhymed with Nig, orange with Door-hinge, and purple, with silver, as John Doe proved to the world why he was the declared illest at the game, homie. By the time he had finished his improvisation, the crew was jeering in celebration, and nearby mermaids had become impregnated. “Your turn, you mark ass slim.” Doe sardonically passed the mike. Steve knew his goose was cooked, as his skin was far too light to excel at rhythmic prose, but he had to try. He precariously finagled to the ship’s wheel, but his eye caught on a seemingly insignificant detail on Nib’s belt. “Wait Nibs, that foam bat you have there, isn’t that too hard to pass? The impact could seriously injure someone, which means that this duel has been fraudulent!” “ Is this true Nibs? I told you to smack it against a tree for twelve hours.” Nibs went on the defensive, he knew that his mental prowess would not save him from improperly prepared gear. “ I- Uhhh- Uh---“ Nibs began to sob uncontrollably, the type of sobbing that makes you uncomfortable and want to leave the room, but this was no walled off panorama, but an isolated boat multiple feet from shore. Nibs did as his treacherous gnome instincts instructed, and played a jingle from his pan flute to summon a fire drake and crash it into the ship’s hull, igniting its powder storage and exploding it. Whats that you say, gun powder hasn’t been invented yet? Shut up.

So anyways, the only survivors of the wreck were Steve and John Doe, who were cast adrift on an

inflatable love doll pillaged from the Mech Goblins which would explain the overly large elbows.

And thus begins the origin story that originally originated here. You’ve heard the middle of the tale, how he and Doe were marooned on an island and survived on a steady diet of raspberry macaroons and Cuban Cigars.. how They discovered the isle was but a peninsula, and that right next to the peninsula was the town of Wellendosville since they only drifted a mile at most. How then he and doe use insurance money from the last ship to buy a new one, and marauded up and down the coast for years, making a name of himself and striking terror into the hearts and minds of all. Captain Thikwineear’s exploits spread throughout the land.

	The Plundering of the Hat troll capitol by challenging them to a game of memory.
Out drinking a Ginnic Scot and then using their combined puke to provide warmth for a Direbear.
Wounded at the battle of the Sea Deer accompanied by Zarzar the sea troll, and proceeding to hunt danger floofs to extinction afterwords
The only human in recorded history to “annoy” a lemur to the point of rage.
Taming of the Sea-Wench “ Tiffany”, who’s copulation could be heard for miles
Defeating a manbearpig in single combat using nothing but a sling fashioned out of a  grape, and some dental floss
Mastered the Mandolin and went triple platinum
Meeting Kord,future leader of the armored penguins, ensuing an epic battle that leveled 
an entire ant hill, and led to a draw, forcing Kord to numb his injuries with a daily dose of seaweed, and Captain vowing never to play rock paper scissors again
Earning title of Monarch supreme by inventing a rudimentary
home computer and ending the black plague virus of an entire country with a single click. 

His first act as king was to enslave the entire population and make this part of is ghostly pirate crew? Ghostly you say? That because the slaves term of service often outlasted their lifetime.

	Countless other legends too numerous to mention. Though many tend to add on as they please

At least until one fateful day. Steven sat aboard his massive galleon, in solemn boredomy. Every land has been travelled, foe vanquished, and female romanced. The only option left was to pursue rumors of a psychic Gnome wreaking havoc near The Isle of Wind and Bone But I don’t need to delve into his final battle, that story is told every night beside fires, his most adventurous adventure, where he lives among the birdpeople after losing his crew and gaining their trust with a gift of a waffle iron, hunting down the illusive Nibs, whose dastardly plot was to not only invent hot Cheetos, but use them to poison Panguine, Leader of a flightless tribe of birdpeople almost exactly like penguins, but different in every way. Framed for Regicide, the captain was imprisoned and sentenced to a trial by combat. Panguine’s son and only heir Jimmothy was to fight, using a sword that shot bows, which in turn shot arrows that turned into sword to be shot again but the next shot shoots pigs. Regrettably he slew Jimmothy, and as customary skinned him before wearing his scalp as a hat. The scalp of the penguinous heir combined with all the magic he had been previously exposed to caused a chain reaction, granting Captain Cam- I mean Steven Thi Kwineear God like powers. It was then Nibs who was lurking in the shadows leaped out and enacted his plan. Using the crown of Amaranth (oh yeah there was like a huge story arc leading up to this with twists and turns and stuff, and it makes this impact more powerful and shocking) so he puts on the crown and they have a big final Demi-God duel with explosions and auras and stuff I mean this is DBZ level fighting. Then after like twenty minutes Nibs realizes he cannot defeat his mortal foe and resorts to mind control, but forgets how attractive Steve’s mind is and Nib’s head explodes. With his nemesis defeated, Steve changed his name to Dovahkin for the bird people to understand the gravity of the situation. “Yeah, Dovahkin, like Skyrim! You know the video game?” “Whats a vijuh game?” “Never mind, Im otta here.”

Godisapenguin.jpg

Dovahkin realized that he had become too awesome and powerful. To prevent his power out of reach of mortals, he used his omnipotence to travel back in time, and stop Nibs from making the hot cheetos, and saving the bird people. Nibs escaped to fight another day, and before the time change erased the demi-God from existence, Steve romanced himself from two days in the past. Th past steve was as confused as he was aroused, and with a shrug of his shoulders. He was then affronted by Kord, whose powers allowed him to see the timeline that never was, and thanked Steve for his humility. "You gave up power and the true defeat of Nibs to save a single tribe of bird folk. This will never be forgotten." so to honor Steve's bravery and manly vigor, Kord founded a mercenary band called the Armored Penguins. and the rest they say......is history


Think this is the end of the Captain? Feel free to add more to his adventures

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